For Me, For Me, For Me

This time for me . . . for me . . . for me . . . FOR MEEEEEEEEEEE!
It's time for me!
The transformation begins . . .

I'm applying for a new job

AND I'M PERFECT FOR IT!
I CAN START IMMEDIATELY!

They Walk Among Us

I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor and gave her the money back. She became indignant and informed me she was a University of SC graduate and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the money back again...same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64. .............They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail.

I walked into a Mickey D's with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free." "They're already buy-one-get-one-free", she said, "so I guess they're both free" She handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door.
.............They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail.

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said, "Where?" ...............They Walk Among Us!

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh I don't keep up with that stuff"
...........They Walk Among Us!!

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific ..............They Walk Among Us!

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk...............They Walk Among Us!

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount. ......They Walk Among Us!

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?" ..............They Walk Among Us!

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6." ..............Yep, They Walk Among Us!

They Walk Among Us.
They can vote.
And, they REPRODUCE!

The lizard is giving birth!

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds
prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?" I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged.
"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!).
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth." "Oh, gross!" they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my son urged. "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?) "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged. "I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.).

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically. "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked. "Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen . . . Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. We were silent, absorbing this.

"So, Ernie's just . . . just . . . excited," my wife offered. "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face. "It's just . . that . . . I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its . . . teeny little . ." She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more. "That's enough," I warned.

We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car He was glad everything was going to be okay. "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me. "Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class. Lizards lay eggs.

A weekend chuckle

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."

Once again, The Golden Girls has it right!

Ok, first of all, this posting is not a pity party. It's just been very long since I've posted and feel compelled to do so now while watching THE GOLDEN GIRLS. Long story short, I met a guy. He seems really great. Incredibly sexy too. Unfortunately, he lives in Long Island. Why do I keep finding guys I like who are long distance? I didn't think I'd be so into this guy, but I guess I am, since I can't get him off of my mind. And now, Dorothy is singing a wonderful Irving Berlin song, "What'll I Do," that fits my frame of mind right now . . .

What'll I do?
When I am wond'ring who
Is kissing you
What'll I do?

What'll I do with just a photograph
To tell my troubles to?

When I'm alone
With only dreams of you
That won't come true
What'll I do?

AROUND THE WORLD IN 80 DRINKS

On Saturday, my dear friend Amy and I hit EPCOT to drink around the world! WHAT A GREAT DAY! After a brief Florida shower mid-morning, the rest of the day was just splendid! We made our own badges and when we got there, purchased the EPCOT passport where you put in stickers for each country, get it stamped and signed. It was a hoot!



We started out in Mexico w/ forzen margaritas and crappy chips & salsa.



On to Norway where we had a beer and "School Bread" which was perfect for two teachers. Rose Nylund, eat your heart out!



Third stop was China and some plumb wine . . .



followed by Germany for a shot of Goldschlager and a pretzel. Mmmmm.



Our fifth country was Italy where we met up with Andy from Miami. For some reason, the two goons he was with weren't drinking . . . absolutely SHAMEFUL! Andy was so sweet and bought the three of us a lovely sparkling red wine and dark chocolates. Boy do I look fat here! Must be the chocolate and bloating from the beer . . . yea, that's it!



The good old U. S. of A. was our next spot where we had a beer.



We then proceeded to Japan and had "sucky sake". Neither one of us were too fond of it. It was rather bland, but it did pack a punch at 15% alcohol. :)



Morocco was our next stop where we indulged in tangerine cocktail. A fruity drink. Tasty. We even sat down for a while and watched a few other fruits wander around.



We skpped France, as we were to return their for dinner later in the evening and headed to the United Kingdom where we had another fruity drink, a Captain Jack Cocktail, along with some fish & chips.



Our final stop was Canada where we had one last beer. Well, Amy had two sips and I had about half. She was lucky she could stand at that point . . . she doesn't remember too much about Canada but I had a rather interesting trist with a mounty. Ok, I didn't, but it sounds fun!



We headed back to the Swan Hotel, a short walk away, to check in and change for dinner. After a brief mishap, we eneded up across the garden at the Dolphin Hotel with $50 off of our room. Thank you, Westin! It was a fine room with very comfy beds and a lovely view of the Swan Hotel and the bridge over to the Boardwalk



Dinner was back at France where we indulged in some fabulous food, wine and a window table overlooking the lagoon and the Illuminations show. If we were together, it would've been quite romantic, and I'm sure lead to some fabulous drunk sex! Apparently, the people next to us had quite a day of drinking too. You can't see the fireworks through the window and . . . well, you can see what the picture looks like. At least our hair looks decent, right?

All in all, it was a wonderful trip and will most likely become an annual Memorial Day weekend event. Don't delay . . . sign up for next year's trip!!!!!!!

I Can't Believe I'm Laughing!

Yes, it's true. I'm watching ANOTHER GAY MOVIE. It's so funny. Maybe it's my mood. I don't know. But, it's funny. And Matthew Rush hasn't even appeared yet!!! :)

Aint Life Ducky?

This past weekend, along with my friend, Erin, from NYC, I went to Orlando. I saw a former student's first college production (ROCKY HORRORY SHOW). After the show and before dinner, Erin and I visited the Peabody Hotel. For those who are unfamiliar, the Peabody Hotel(s) have ducks in them. Yes, real, live ducks who live there, are marched out to the lobby fountain in the morning and back again in the afternoon, complete with red carpet and a John Phillip Sousa march! It is quite a site to behold.

BUT, NOBODY HAS JOB SECURITY! Not even the ducks! There they are, living the high life at the Peabody, only to one day in the future be returned to the wild. (That's why the ducks are not "named", but rather, simply "tagged" at the foot. They too lose their cushy job and must fend for themselves again one day (which to me seems more cruel than keeping them in a luxurious state of captivity). Ah well . . .

I have a video clip too but can't figure out how to attach that. Damn technology!

Cheers!

It's a lovely day today. A balmy breeze is blowing. The sun is shining radiantly. Erin is here from NYC. We've had coffee and mimosas. Now we're on to chips/salsa and homemade quacamole. The margaritas will be pourin' soon. Life is good. Now, bring on the dancing boys . . .

What to say?

Last night I visited a friend in South Beach. We watched DIE, MOMMIE, DIE. What a great film! Absolutely hilarious. Truly entertaining. We drank Moet champagne. Mmmmmm. Yummy. Now, the problem . . . I like this guy . . . I always have fun with him and smile and laugh and . . . BUT he lives in South Beach! UGH! AND, I'm just not exactly sure what is happening or where, if anywhere, whatever is or is not happening, is/is not/or might be going. I've said it before and I'll say it again . . . emotions are an evil thing! Why can't life be simpler?!?!

Well, my show is over and was a huge success! Now I'm back to the gym, back on the diet and working on myself. Tomorrow I plan on purchasing my laptop so I'll be able to write at home and not just sporadically, at work. Stay tuned . . .

I'll Be Back . . .

Has anyone even missed my absence? I am in production hell right now opening a musical a week from today. As a result, I haven't had time to reflect on life, much less wright about it. BUT, early April should see a laptop in my life, allowing me to do my postings from home. Then, I'll probably never shut up. Ah well. Hugs to all . . .

A Republican?!?!

I can't believe I'm even thinking of this, but I am. And very seriously too . . .

Last night, Rudy Giulianni announced on Larry King Live that he was indeed in the running for the presidency in 2008. I have been a huge Rudy supporter since I lived in NYC. Is the man perfect? No. But I believe he is an excellent leader and would do well to steer this country in the right direction. I've said for a number of years now, if he ran, no matter what party I was affiliated with (I am not affiliated with any party now) I would vote for him.

Florida is a closed primary state, meaning that you must be a member of a political party to vote in the primary elections. Well, I am seriously contemplating registering as a Republican so that I can vote for Rudy in the primaries, helping him gain the party's nomination. I never thought this day would come, but it seems like the best reason to become a Republican.

Obviously, I'll rescind that and go back to no party affiliation immediately following the primaries!

What a swell party it was!

Or so I was told. See, bonehead here had in his head that TIARAS AT THE PALACE started at 4pm and not 2pm. Well, upon close observation of the invitation at 2:45pm, he realized he was dead wrong! Between an accident on I-95 (involving a FL state trooper) and then a 30 minute parking adventure in SOBE, I didn't get to the Palace until 4:30 . . . well after the jewels had been distributed (fortunately, I still have my family jewels in tact). As a result, I was put on K.P. duty! I can only hope I wasn't red-lined from the next guest list. UGH!